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According to a recent report by the Department of Defense, the U.S. government has been tracking high scores on the classic arcade game “Galaga” in order to scout for potential fighter pilots for the U.S. Arcade Game Tournament Team.
“In order to reach a high score in ‘Galaga,’ players must demonstrate certain key skills that are also critical to piloting fighter jets,” explained Senior Defense Official Alex Ramirez. “By monitoring the highest scores on ‘Galaga’ in arcades across the nation, we’ve been able to scout for certain individuals who show a unique aptitude for piloting small, pixelated versions of fighter jets on the U.S. ‘Galaga’ Tournament Team."
He added, “I can feel it. This is gonna be our year.”
In an extensive recruitment operation that has infiltrated arcades in all 50 states, the Department of Defense has tracked the performance of certain high scoring “Galaga” players, analogously determining their potential efficiency in the field of battle that is the “Galaga” subdivision of the National Arcade Game Championships.
“After breaking my ‘Galaga’ record at Vitello’s, I received a phone call from someone asking if I was interested in serving my country,” said an anonymous “Galaga” Tournament Team recruit. “They came in the middle of the night, blindfolded me, threw me in a van, and took me to an undisclosed location where I was briefed on the mission I had been recruited for.”
He added, “That is, the mission to bring home the gold in the ‘Galaga’ subdivision of the annual National Arcade Game Championships in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.”
According to senior officials, recruits were held in seclusion from the outside world and put through a series of intensive combat simulations in a state-of-the-art government training facility. “They regulated every part of our daily life in order to optimize our pilot skills, even our diet,” said another recruit. “That meant a lot of pizza and a lot of Diet Mountain Dew. The caffeine really helps you during the challenge stage when you need that extra boost. The pizza inhibits combat stress from the all the explosions.”
Despite skepticism expressed by critics of the program, the government has remained largely supportive of it. “Those who reach a certain high score in ‘Galaga’ have been seen to make a critical difference in the complex arena of modern warfare,” commented Defense Analyst Debra Sheppard. “That’s the difference between victory and defeat. The difference between no lives lost and three lives lost. Three lives being the most lives a player can lose in ‘Galaga.’”
Though the sheer difficulty of finding individuals who are qualified for the highly specific demands of these pilot positions has posed a logistical problem in the past, state officials believe that these new recruitment techniques will better equip the U.S. to effectively target and eliminate terrorist groups such as reigning national champions of ‘Galaga,’ The New Rochelle Rockets.
“We are now able to scout for individuals with combat potential who might’ve never even considered serving,” said Ramirez. “The enemy simply will not stand a chance when met with the indomitable expertise of these highly skilled fighters."
“And it serves them right,” he added. “Those guys from New Rochelle are super conceited and think they’re the kings of the ‘Galaga’ scene even though they definitely are not."
