Partly Cloudy, 64°
In a stunning report out of Green Grove Retirement Center, your grandfather was quite literally as wrinkled as he could possibly be.
“We tried to rehydrate him by pouring some water on his head,” commented your grandfather’s nurse Stephanie Michaelson as your grandfather’s forehead contracted impossibly further into itself. “But it was no use. He absorbs all moisture like a sponge.”
“He’s like a living raisin,” Michaelson continued as your grandfather parked his wheelchair in direct sunlight and baked for a few hours. “I don’t know how he’s still alive, honestly. I know I’m not supposed to say that as a nurse, but Jesus.”
“Half the time I don’t even know what expression he’s trying to make.” Michaelson concluded as the wrinkles on your grandfather’s face began absorbing all the light in the room like a black hole. “I think his wrinkles makes him kinda sad. Or maybe happy? I can’t really tell.”
At press time, your baby was as smooth and shiny as possible.
