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Local grandmother Marsha Cohen, age 86, is just a little too sharp for family members to dismiss her bitchy comments as a side effect of old age.
“I keep waiting for her to put her keys in the fridge so we can all act like she doesn’t mean what she says,” said granddaughter Rachel Cohen, still reeling from being told that her macadamia nut blondies were as dry as her love life. “But then she casually recalls where she was when McCain lost the ‘08 election. Instead of losing her filter like most old people, I think she just never had one.”
“Last week, she looked at my dinner plate and said, ‘You’ll die first if you keep eating like that, but I’d hardly call it a loss,’” added nephew Joshua, who long ago gave up on trying to impress her. “Then she spent ten minutes reminiscing about how much cuter I was before ‘everyone realized there was no growing out of that nose.’”
“She told my wife that she ‘used to be quite fluffy in the rear, but not where it counts,’ and then turned to me and said, ‘I’d tell you to stand up for her, but we’ve all seen your posture,’” said Marsha’s son Mark, who has spent decades learning there is no safe topic of conversation. “I really don’t know what’s worse—that she said it, or that she remembers saying it.”
At press time, Grandpa was still a little too coherent to pass off his microaggressions as confusion.
