Monday, October 26, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Granoff Dinner Restricted To Essential Rich Assholes This Year

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

According to a recent email sent by Marty Granoff to last year’s Granoff Dinner attendees, this year’s dinner will be restricted to essential rich assholes only.

“I understand that the Granoff Dinner is an important event for all extravagantly wealthy snobs,” the email read, explaining that the volume of horrible millionaires that usually attend the dinner isn’t doable due to public health guidelines. “Unfortunately, I’ve decided to restrict our event to those money-grubbing scumbags that are most essential, such as the sons of CEOs of large tech companies, anyone who has more than 5 houses in 3 states, and Kennedys.”

“Sadly, we just don’t have room for lower-end rich assholes this year; for example, someone whose mom is a prominent lawyer, or whose jet ski only has 4 speeds,” Granoff continued, expressing his regrets that many opulent douchebags won’t be able to dine on hors d’oeuvres with their vile peers. “I want to express my deepest apologies to those that didn’t get an invite; hopefully, we’ll be able to reunite next year and congratulate each other on how stupidly rich we are in a setting that’s safe for all.”

At press time, the BEO DUG limited their events to essential intolerable fuckboys.

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