The front man of Columbus, Ohio’s most popular Maroon 5 cover band, Daniel Martin ’14, is wondering if his ongoing jam session on the Main Green would be better sans shirt.
“I’m not trying to show off, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Martin told reporters at noon today. “What, a guy isn’t allowed to play his music in public anymore? With his freshly waxed chest exposed? In front of a sign that says, ‘Free kisses from a big celebrity?’” Martin then pulled up his polo shirt to peek at his abdominal muscles, and witnesses speculated that the garment’s complete removal was imminent.
“For your information,” continued Martin, rolling his shirt down over his stomach, “I don’t do this for anybody but myself. And my girlfriend back home, who is watching this performance via Skype. My decision to take my shirt off concerns me, only me, and anybody who sees my profile picture during the next three or so weeks.”
Two bare-chested students playing soccer crossed in front of Martin, and he gave them a contented smile and a thumbs-up.
“I could give you one thousand and one reasons for taking my shirt off, none of which involve wanting to be seen shirtless on the Main Green,” Martin said. “But then we’d be here until midnight, and it’d be too dark for me to read my tabs, find frets or be seen shirtless on the Main Green.”
A female spectator asked Martin to play Maroon 5’s “This Love,” to which he replied, “For you, babe, I’d take my shirt off and my pants off and play ‘This Love.’” The spectator requested that Martin do only the last thing and neither of the first two things.
“It’s called a nipple; we all have two of them. Deal with it,” Martin shouted, apparently unprovoked. “I can’t stand how absurdly uncomfortable people are with the human body. If people don’t start getting comfortable with my body, I’m going to start getting comfortable with theirs. You know what I’m talking about.”
Sensing that he had said something wrong, Martin began furiously peeling off his shirt in an attempt to revive the crowd. He stopped just as he was about to pull the shirt’s collar over his head.
Martin was still deliberating as of press time.