After swiftly finishing his banana nut muffin from Starbucks, area man Brandon Ford was using his teeth to scrape the muffin remnants off the paper like he’s a bottom-dwelling catfish grazing for moss. “My snack was so tasty! I want to make sure I get every last bite,” said Ford, as he dragged his bottom teeth across the wrapper like he was scavenging for algae and other ocean detritus along the sandy seafloor. “Hell, I paid four dollars for this muffin, I might as well eat all of it.” At press time, Ford was eating the muffin crumbs off of his pants like a primate mother ridding her fur of insects.

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