Partly Cloudy, 64°
Reports indicate that that guy wearing shorts is about to give you some of the worst advice you’ve ever heard.
“Legally, you can skip as much class as you want. They’re not allowed to do anything about it because technically we’re students, not employees,” said sophomore James Eavert, who most likely only chose to wear shorts because his brain is so small. “I only talk to my professors in a British accent, so they think I’m smarter and give me better grades ”
“Dogs are like bears, you gotta get big to scare ‘em off,” said Eavert as he flaunted his bare knees in early March. “Did you know that? Bet you didn’t. Guess what else. If you tell a cop you’re undercover, they legally have to believe you. Trust me. Try it. One time me and my buddies spray painted our initials onto our dorm room walls. We won’t get in trouble for it though, we’re just gonna say it was there when we moved in. You could do it too.”
At press time, a girl wearing glasses is about to make you feel so comforted right when you feel most alone.
