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The Brown Noser

Guy Who Inspired First Snowman Had Really Weird Body

Published Friday, November 4th, 2016

A new study conducted by Rutgers University has concluded that the guy who inspired the first snowman had a really weird body. Riley Lewis, the study’s leader, explains, “When my team first set out to find records of the man whose body inspired the first snowman, we expected it to be weird. Turns out we were right.”

Lewis’s team unearthed an illuminated manuscript that was Siberian in origin, and dated back to 1200 A.D., that clearly depicted the man who inspired the first snowman. “Undertaking this study was of great importance to us,” said Lewis. “Every day, hundreds of snowmen are rolled and stacked into existence, but we have never known whose body inspired the original design. Until now.” Lewis went on to explain the specifics of the manuscript his team recovered. “We found that this man’s freaky body was essentially three orbs stacked on top of one another,” Lewis said. “His head was the smallest sphere, which was attached to his torso, which was a second, larger sphere. The torso was attached to the man’s legs, which, of course, comprised the largest of the three spheres. Also, his arms resembled little sticks. His life must have been so hard.”

The discovery has caused an uproar in the scientific community, with many doubting the study’s accuracy. “I don’t buy it,” stated Harvard University professor Melanie Yadav. “Someone with three circles for a body could never have survived in a winter climate, no ifs ands or buts. A person made of cubes? Maybe. But spheres? No way in hell.”

Despite the controversy sparked over the discovery, many of Lewis’s contemporaries are heralding his team’s discovery as the most significant contribution to science in recent history. “I’m not the hero,” Lewis insisted. That little Siberian sphere man who inspired so many hundreds of years of snow art, he’s the hero.” Sources report that there has been a great deal of speculation that Lewis will receive the Nobel Prize for Snow History.

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