Freshman Jamie Hartford, whose family owns a boat, reportedly only has friends because of his boat.

“It’s a sweet ride,” said Hartford’s friend Michael Morris, who had trekked up to Maine for the weekend to hang out with Hartford, and also to see his boat. “There’s no feeling like the ocean breeze, like salt in my hair, like wind and sail merging to propel us through the infinite sea. What a feeling. What a world. What a life. And Jamie’s, like, also there, I guess.”

Sources say that the catamaran more than makes up for Hartford’s otherwise bland personality. Last November, Hartford and his friends journeyed up north for Thanksgiving, but mostly for a joyride on what Morris referred to as “Heaven’s flotation device.”

“As soon as I saw those flawless riggings, I knew we were meant to be buddies,” said Morris, who routinely forgets Hartford’s birthday but vividly remembers the date he first saw the boat. “Friendship is temporary, especially with someone as tedious as Jamie, but a watercraft like that stays with you forever. Jamie’s fine. But his vessel? She’s fine as hell.”

At press time, Hartford’s friends were pulling the boat out of the dock, forgetting to bring Hartford along.

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