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Friends and family of Zachary Cabrera were saddened to learn that his heart of gold had made him vulnerable to serious health complications.
“Zachary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. He has a real heart of gold,” commented cardiologist Anna Knapp, pointing out the chunk of heavy metal on an X-ray of Zachary’s chest. “Unfortunately, a heart of gold is a major risk factor for coronary artery disease. This means that Zachary has a high chance of suffering a heart attack or another cardiovascular condition.”
“I can’t overstate what a good guy Zachary is. He spends every Friday night volunteering at the food pantry and every Saturday tutoring middle school students,” noted Dr. Knapp as Zachary’s EKG monitor made an obnoxious cha-ching sound. “He’s the kind of guy to rescue an injured squirrel and nurse it back to health. That makes it all the sadder that he is susceptible to arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation.”
“When a condition like this is diagnosed, we run tests on the family members to see if they’re at risk too. Thankfully, his children are unaffected, so the condition doesn’t seem to be genetic,” said Dr. Knapp, keeping an eye on Zachary’s vitals, which were not as good as gold. “But I’m sure his children will be happy to inherit 2,200 karats of gold once he passes.”
At press time, somebody with balls of steel was coping with their infertility.
