Partly Cloudy, 64°
Chaos struck Providence yesterday as longtime public menace Jaws of Death rampaged through downtown, striking fear into the hearts of citizens. This was Jaws’s first attack on the city since an accident last month left him paralyzed from the waist down, but the courageous super-villain insisted that he receive no special treatment.
“Fuck you all,” he said. “I can lift up this city bus by myself.”
Witnesses applauded Jaws’s perseverance and his willingness to come to terms with his handicap and begin wreaking havoc from step one. “A man like that is an inspiration,” said Wendy Caswell, a 35-year-old schoolteacher from Cranston. “He didn’t let a devastating injury stop him from doing what he loves: destroying city landmarks and threatening people.”
Within two hours of appearing downtown, Jaws caused $2 million in property damage without anyone else’s help. Police responded as quickly as they could, but Jaws was simply too fast and powerful for them, even though he may not feel that way about himself right now.
Chief of Police Phillip Rothburg instructed his officers to combat Jaws the exact same way they did before he lost the use of his legs. “Jaws of Death is still our city’s single greatest threat, and he shouldn’t let anybody tell him different,” said Rothberg.
Onlookers remarked that they felt no less terrified of Jaws of Death yesterday than they did prior to his injury. “Jaws of Death is still really scary,” said local man Arnold Clifton. “It’s just that now I can bring my family into the city with me and let them see how scary he is in person, without worrying about my kids getting hurt.”
The feared villain’s reign of terror extended over all parts of town where the terrain was passable by wheelchair. “Leave me alone!” Jaws was heard to shout at Kennedy Plaza, where he found himself momentarily stuck under a fallen traffic light. “If I needed help getting out of here I’d ask for it!”
“This is so hard for me,” the super-strong dude said later at Providence Station, where he was unable to overturn a stopped train. Witnesses agreed that Jaws was brave for even attempting this feat and added that crying is nothing for a super-villain to be ashamed of.
Masked vigilante Justice Kid stepped in just in time to prevent Jaws from destroying the Providence Place Mall. “If Justice Kid had showed up a second later, and if the this building’s handicap ramps weren’t so danged hard to find, Jaws definitely could’ve reduced this whole place to rubble,” said one eyewitness.
The fight that ensued between Jaws and Justice Kid will be remembered as the most exhilarating two-and-a-half minutes in the history of Providence crime fighting. “Jaws of Death and I have faced off a number of times, and I can safely say this was our most heart pumping-battle ever,” Justice Kid said. “He can move really fast on those wheels – more agile than he was before, I’d say! And man, have his arms gotten strong since he’s started using that chair! Jaws really gave me a run for my money. Way to go, man!”
Jaws was apprehended by police shortly after the fight and is currently being held in the state penitentiary, where he awaits trial for his crimes against the city of Providence. Gifts and words of encouragement can be sent to:
Death, Jaws Of – DC# 1128391
Rhode Island Department of Corrections
39 Howard Avenue, Cranston, RI 02920
