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The Brown Noser

Historical Reenactor’s “Homemade Jam” Definitely Just Smucker’s In Pottery Bowl

Published Friday, December 8th, 2023

At the local Ezra Stills Historic Homestead, a reenactor’s “homemade jam” is definitely store-bought Smucker’s she transferred to a pottery bowl.
“Mightest I tempt thee with a sweet taste of last summer’s wild boysenberry jam?” asked reenactor Patience Stills, stirring a dish of what was absolutely just Smucker’s strawberry jam dumped straight from the jar. “The rustic pottery bowl may appear a bit homely, but I assure thee this jam is New England’s finest.”
“My children and I have lovingly crafted this jam through every step of the laborious process,” explained Stills, ignoring the fact that the mass-produced jam in her pottery bowl can also be found in Uncrustables. “First, we gathered the boysenberries from our favorite berry patch about 4 miles yonder, then washed them in water drawn from our well, then simmered them over a wood fire for an entire day until a beautiful jam formed.”
“Our jam is so valuable to us. A single pint requires 3 pounds of fresh berries,” continued Stills, who had bought the jam at Walmart for $2.89 that morning. “It will be unlike anything thou hast ever tasted, I promise thee.”
At press time, your classmate’s “hand-knit” sweater was totally from Urban Outfitters.

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