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As president, one of my important jobs is to listen. Every decision I make is informed by the voices of the student body. I know some have claimed that I’ve been actively ignoring student voices ever since I took office, but the truth is that I respect and value the opinion of every single student, with 6000 exceptions, give or take.
The first student whose opinion I do not respect is Samantha Jones. Samantha Jones is very disrespectful, and I believe she has no regard for the discourse that is so important to our university. I always want to hear from students, but I certainly do not want to hear from Samantha Jones ever again.
I believe in the importance of engaging in vigorous dialogue, even with those whom I might disagree with. But I absolutely loathe engaging in vigorous dialogue with Ron Hernandez. Ron is not good at careful analysis, which I find deeply offensive. I am fully committed to ignoring Ron and everything he says, as long as I am the president.
Here are seven more students I do not respect: Helga Alvarez, Jamal Nyerere, Farhad Ali, John Ndeme, Rui Ling, Sam Benitez and Stephanie Wu. I don’t know why exactly I grouped all these students together but there’s something about them that would make me not want to listen to them or, say, call on them at some kind of community dinner.
I am committed, with every fiber of my being, to listening to student voices. I only wish students were as committed to dialogue as I am, so I wouldn’t be forced to ignore virtually everything they say. This paragraph is directed squarely at Cameron Jacobson, a sophomore. I simply cannot dialogue with this man. It is too hard.
Any student engaged in any sort of social justice-oriented activism clearly has forgotten about the importance of discourse and may as well be a deaf-mute, as far as I’m concerned. I’m talking here about Gina Martinez, Pat Douglas, Jillian Bonifaz and Hector Guerrero, among others. All told, there are approximately 6000 others. I will list them now:
Shane Spender, Nadia Ortega, Rexy “Rex” Monsanto, Lakeshia Jefferson, Naomi Deluca, Katrina Aoki, Mario Cevallos, Carol Mehta, “Dogshit” Soloway, Melissa Minnow, Millard Steinway, Rona Novacek, Jia Montenegro, “Big Jim” Bozoss, Gillian St. John and Foon. Michael Achmed IV, Michael Achmed TV, “The Robster,” “The Lobster,” The Lobster, Ed McKibbum, Michael Shaw, Michael Black, Michael Menendez, Michael Park, Michael “Switch” Finnegan, Michael Routh, Michael Giuseppe, Michael “St.” John and Michael St. John. Michael A. Achmed, Michael B. Achmed, Michael D. Achmed, Michael “E-Z” Achmed, Michael Hinden, Michael Sung and Michael Q. Q. Q. V. Achmed. Seth McCloud, Seth MacLeod, Rocknell Beed, Susie Lee Al-Ghul, Shauna Olsen, Oliver Chung, Holly Iverson, Whinston Salem, Ashante Levon, Chompers, Lauren Duplass, Garcia Garcia, Julius Chronoton, Howard Speed, Achmed Michaelovich, Camille Zuma, Stu Rickets, the Chaos Warden, “Lil’ Jim” Bozoss, Terry McAfferty, Doug, Chuck E., Pudding Town, Julia Nanana, V.A. Hospice, Jana King Clay, Tara LeDeBateau, Christina Paxson Is A Bad President Lefarge, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mikhail the Russian, and of course Mike. To be continued in at least 30 follow-up emails. I love this university with all my heart. Thank you.
