Tuesday, April 25, 2017
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The Brown Noser

“I’m Off To Seek My Fortune!” Says Boy Who Will Get Distracted By Magic Beans A Page Later

Published Friday, March 17th, 2017

Clueless to the fact that his heroic quest would be halted just a page later by a mysterious merchant with a glass eye, fairy tale protagonist Will jubilantly declared on Monday he was “off to seek [his] fortune.”

“Farewell, Mother!” Will reportedly exclaimed, placing into his leather satchel a bottle of wine mulled by his mother to give him strength as he set forth on his journey. Sources report Will would be soon coerced into drinking the wine with his newfound companion, who, despite splitting the bottle with Will, would never seem to show any alcoholic effects.

“Why, I’ll make my way towards the castle! I’m sure I’ll find something wonderful along the way!” Will told his baby sister when asked how he planned on finding his fortune, a hope that he would soon place entirely in three mysterious and beautiful beans given to him by the stranger as they drunkenly parted ways that night. “Oh, who knows what adventures await me!”

“I’ll meet some fantastic characters, of that I’m certain,” he continued, never imagining that the first person he would meet after leaving the cottage in which he had spent his entire childhood would be the Witch King Molroth in disguise, settling an ancient score with Will’s family after his great-great-grandfather stole the dark ruler’s amulet.

“I promise I’ll send home some gold coins as soon as I can. You can count on me,” Will then told his teary-eyed mother, who, sources report, could not count on him.

At press time, Will had eaten the beans.

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