Partly Cloudy, 64°
In a shocking turn of events at the Indy, writer Mandy Lewinson has been fired for writing articles that the general public understands.
“It’s hard to let Mandy go like this, but there was really no choice,” recounted the Indy’s managing editor Sandra Moon, ripping up a copy of Lewinson’s recent essay on Barbie and girlhood, which had resonated with too many readers. “The College Hill Independent has a long history of inspired art and journalism. It’s important to maintain our position as the most opaque and esoteric publication on campus.”
“Mandy’s worst offense was when she pitched a review of popular beaches in Rhode Island,” whispered an embarrassed Moon, fiercely striking Lewinson’s name from the masthead with her fountain pen. “Everyone knows what a beach is! There’s no room for obscurity! She wasn’t even planning to include any indecipherable metaphors or poetic fragments.”
“So, in the end, we had to let her go,” shrugged Moon, signing off on an upcoming ekphrastic poem about the painting that hung in the writer’s great-aunt’s basement between 2002 and 2005. “Maybe there’s a place for her at the BDH.”
At press time, Brown Dining Services was preparing to terminate two Andrews chefs for cooking meals students were excited to eat.
