Tuesday, April 25, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Jesse Watters Secretly Wondering What His Own Parents Would Think If They Knew What He Doing At Brown

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

Wondering if they knew the kinds of unsavory activities he participates in at Brown University, Fox News correspondent Jesse Watters reportedly doesn’t know what his parents would think of him if they knew what he was up to on campus, sources report.

“Does your dad know that you go to Nudity Week events?” Watters was heard asking a female Brown student on Wednesday, mangling the name of the event while at the same time obsessing over whether his own father knows that at least once a year, Watters can be found wandering Brown’s campus shoving his microphone in the faces of unsuspecting undergraduates while trying to elicit misrepresentative sound bites that he can then take out of context.

“What would your parents think if they knew about the Naked Donut Run here at Brown?” Watters asked a different student, while secretly praying that his parents do not know about how their son chooses to ignore reporting on actual news in favor of obsessively detailing student events at Brown in an attempt to shock his aging viewership.

“I guess I just want to know,” Watters continued, miserably ruminating on whether or not to show his dad clips of his inane and one-sided news stories that are the only thing he has to show from his significant time spent on Brown’s campus, “Do you tell your dad what sort of things you do when you come to campus?”

“Lastly, what do you think about PC culture?” Watters finished, cringing inwardly while remembering his segment in New York City’s Chinatown last year in which he played “Kung Fu Fighting” and repeatedly asked pedestrians if they knew karate, and deciding once and for all that he should never tell his parents the kind of embarrassing things he does at Brown and beyond, at risk of alienating and humiliating them.

At press time, no one was answering Watters’s questions, which reportedly made him very sad.

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