On his hands and knees to fix a little wobble in the lectern, the Honorable Judge Jon Coates is always using his gavel to fix things around the courtroom, sources confirm.

“It’s sort of like a hammer,” said Coates, using his court robe sleeve to wipe sweat off his forehead after a long day of leveling the jury box using only the small wooden mallet. “I used it to readjust a loose panel in the witness stand yesterday, and tomorrow I’ll get to work on making some better anchorage for the gallery pews. I’ve got this thing that’s pretty much a hammer, so I might as well use it to fix up the courtroom. You have to take some pride in the place you preside over.”

At press time, Judge Coates sentenced a man to life in prison using the same gavel he used to repair the magistrate’s desk.

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