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The Brown Noser

Kids Who Underwent Absurd Trauma On Tour Of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory Write Amazing Common App Essays

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

With plans to attend some of the nation’s top universities in the fall, the kids who underwent intense, cartoonish traumas on their tour of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory all cited their terrible experiences as the driving force behind their academic success.

“I wrote my Common App essay about how getting shrunk to the size of a chocolate bar helped me gain perspective on a broader level,” said Mike Teavee, who plans to attend Stanford after graduation.

Fellow tour attendee Augustus Gloop got into Harvard with his essay, which focused on how being sucked into a big chocolate tube was analogous to his experience as a German boy living in America.

“When I was in the tube, I had a lot of time to reflect on things," he said. "The tube helped me realize that I should embrace my German heritage. It also helped me to see that I should apply myself more in school. In the end, it felt like getting out of the tube was a metaphor for me overcoming adversity.”

Gary Buchanan, Dean of Admissions at Georgetown, said that Violet Beauregard’s Common App essay stood out amongst thousands of applications.

“As soon as I read about how being blown up into a giant blueberry and getting rolled around by Oompa Loompas helped Violet understand the importance of letting go of control, I knew she would fit into the Georgetown student body. I have honestly never been so moved by a college essay. I cried when I read the description of her experience being juiced in a big juicer in the juicing room.”

At press time, Charlie Bucket was unavailable for comment, as he was busy running the massive chocolate factory he won when he was 10.

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