Partly Cloudy, 64°
I won’t beat around the bush: I kill a lot of deer. I have a PSE Brute hunting bow that I keep in my closet, and I use it to kill deer for sport in the woods behind my apartment complex. That should be legal, and guess what? It is.
The first time I killed a deer I was 13 years old. My best friend Brucey got his driver’s license, and we decided to drive to the batting cages at a nearby community college to heckle some older guys. On our way, we got into a competition to see who could shout louder, and I was gonna win too, but then we accidentally hit a deer at 65-miles-per-hour and totaled Brucey’s dad’s Impala. The deer carcass looked so messed up; I could barely recognize the dumb thing. In that moment, I couldn’t help but think: It should be legal to do this to deer.
Well, look it up. It is legal.
Brucey told me that killing deer has been legal since the 1950s, and I was like, “You’re damn right it is!” and I punched the pavement as hard as I could. I broke my fuckin’ hand!
It goes without saying, but after that I bought a bow and crafted some arrows using my arrowhead collection, and I started hunting deer every weekend, rain or shine. Just as every American citizen can and should be able to do.
But still, whenever I drive around with a dead dear with a bunch of arrows in its head, people give me nasty looks like I’m shoplifting or some shit, which is obviously illegal. Then I get angry because I shouldn’t go to jail for killing a stupid fuckin’ deer!
Get it through your thick head: killing deer is well within my rights so long as I renew my license every year and I don’t use snares or traps which I would never do because FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME I LIKE TO KILL DEER WITH MY HUNTING BOW.
I think that killing deer should be legal forever, just like how it’s legal now. I think when I’m 115 years old I should be able to get in my truck, drive straight into a deer, and walk free. I should be able to put on an orange vest, take my bow, and shoot any deer that gets in my damn way! Deer are so annoying.
You can disagree with me and say that it’s illegal all you want, but Massachusetts state law clearly says that killing deer is legal, so get over it! And if you think that it shouldn’t be legal, you’re still flat out wrong, and if you ever say that shit to me in person I’ll put you in a full nelson and then throw you in the dump where you belong. Maybe you’ll find a book in there that teaches you manners for Christ’s sake. Don’t ever say that shit to me…
Now, if you’ll EXCUSE me, I have deer jerky drying on my sun porch, and I’m HUNGRY.
