Ten-year-old Brayden’s pirate-themed birthday party is reportedly stupid and lame because it doesn’t involve any pillaging or killing.
“Everyone come get your eyepatches and inflatable swords!” exclaimed Brayden’s mom, clearly taking inspiration from boring, glamorized pop culture depictions of piracy rather than historical sources. “And don’t forget your lemonade Capri-Suns too!” she cheered, blatantly ignorant to the crippling vitamin deficiencies that plagued pirates on their voyages that spanned months at a time.
“Three, two, one, attack!” Brayden’s mom encouraged the eager partygoers, not even considering that if this were a realistic pirate brawl, Brayden’s friends would be losing limbs and setting merchant ships on fire rather than laughing and hitting each other with flimsy, pathetic toys.
“Time for everyone to collect yer pirate booty!” Brayden’s mom laughed, completely glossing over the fact that real pirates would have plundered bullion and other precious metals, not candy and dumb chains of plastic beads. “Hey now, there’s enough to go around for the whole crew!” she said, tossing around shitty plastic coins that she bought at Party City for $4.99 rather than earning them through grueling combat.
At press time, Brayden’s mom was serving chocolate-frosted cake instead of maggot-ridden hardtack.

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