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Meeting Thursday afternoon to outline a character’s death in the forthcoming made-for-TV movie “Greener Pastures,” a group of ten 35-to-50-year-old Lifetime writers considered numerous cancers, but were determined to hold out until they found the very saddest one.
Head writer Linda Cohen began the meeting by reminding everyone that Lifetime had done cancer before, and the results consistently drew tears from audiences in the network’s target demographic, so the bar was set high. However, she assured her staff that “the sky is the limit,” and if they considered their decision carefully, they could most definitely go sadder.
“There are no magic bullet cancers,” Cohen explained. “That being said, I’m confident that in our case, there is a best cancer for the job. I say we go after it.”
To inform the remainder of the brainstorming session, Cohen then summarized the factors affecting the relative tragedy of different cancer variants. “You’d probably guess that the saddest cancers are the categorically terminal ones,” she said. “You’d be wrong. A treatable cancer that becomes terminal is even worse.”
In choosing between cancers, Cohen advised her writers to consider each one’s prevalence, the organs to which it metastasizes and the possibility that the cancer could go undetected until it was too late. She also cautioned them against cancers that deform the body, particularly the face. “No one’s denying that those cancers are sad,” Cohen explained. “But they’re gross too, and that just isn’t what we’re going for here.”
20 minutes passed before the Lifetime staffers finally hit their stride.
“Leukemia is pretty sad,” offered junior writer Ben Hsu. “Breast cancer is sad too, especially for a mom. Keep in mind this is a mom we’re talking about.”
“What about bladder cancer?” countered Dan Ashula, a six-year veteran of the Lifetime network. “Nah, I take it back. That’s just silly.”
A suggestion that the plot be reworked, so that the cancer was bestowed upon the six-year-old daughter of the film’s single-mom protagonist instead of the protagonist herself, provoked a nearly 40-minute-long discussion. Though the writers agreed that this scenario was even sadder than the current one, they concluded that a full revision would be too much work, so the idea was set aside for a later feature.
“This is by no means the last cancer story we’ll ever do, folks,” said Cohen. “If you’re married to any one cancer or cancer victim, don’t worry. We’ll get there soon enough.”
After kidney cancer was determined to be the most depressing cancer, the writers crowded around a computer to enjoy a couple of viral videos before heading home. “Check this out,” said writer Genevieve Huron. “Ha! Look at that. Funny right? I found this on Buzzfeed.com. I love these meetings. I love you guys.”
