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The Brown Noser

Local Eyewitness Knows Way Too Much To Have Only Been A Witness

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

Reports indicate that local eyewitness Katy Chen knows way too much to have just been a witness to a recent robbery.

“Yeah, I saw the thieves leaving through the shop’s little-known back door,” Chen told local news, sketching a detailed floor plan of the crime scene. “It leads right into an alley that connects to a side street whose lights are broken, so it’s really the perfect place for a quiet getaway.”

“Two twenty-seven-year-olds were up front carrying the bags, while Andrea was keeping lookout in the back,” explained Chen, occasionally slipping in and out of the first person. “What was in the bags? The necklaces, I assume.”

“I couldn’t believe fo– three people could just disable a store’s alarm system, steal roughly $30,000 worth of jewelry, and write ‘Katy’ on the underside of every table,” Chen remarked, noting that some of the shop’s tables are frustratingly wobbly. “Just goes to show that you can’t trust people nowadays.”

When questioned by the police, Chen insisted she couldn’t possibly have been in the building during the break-in because she was across the street watching it all go down at the time.

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