It’s that special time of year again. The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Ah, yes, I think it’s safe to say that spring is in the air. Along with my head. My head is also in the air.

Someone just chopped my head off of my body.

Things are changing all around us! Suddenly people are out and about, having picnics with friends or just walking around, taking in the fresh springtime air. Hey, are those flowers I see blossoming in the foliage? No. That is simply a neurological reflex induced by the sudden loss of blood in my visual cortex.

Goodbye winter gloom, hello spring glee!

Man, it’s gonna be hard to stay focused and get work done when there’s all these wonderful springtime activities calling my name! Hey there, beach bums, can you say sunbathing season? Because I can’t. I no longer have the capacity for speech because my larynx was severely damaged when my head was cleaved from my neck with a very sharp blade.

Surf’s up!

I’m so excited for spring that I’m actually filled with this incredible tingling sensation. It’s like my whole body is light as air. Like it doesn’t even exist but sometimes feels like maybe it’s still there and I have this insatiable itch on my left thigh that I can’t scratch and there seems to be a distinct, pulse-like throbbing in what might be my right elbow. Of course, these are merely the symptoms of an extremely developed case of full-body phantom limb syndrome.

Hope I can still fit in to my bathing suit! Speedo party, anyone?

Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and seize the spring! Incidentally, while you’re enjoying the bountiful joys of spring, if you could perhaps contact my loved ones and let them know what has happened to me I would appreciate it very much. Thanks.

Spring-a-ling-a-ding-dong!

Article tools

• Print
• Email
• Tweet