Frightened sources reported that a lowly, defenseless Cheez-It box has been ruthlessly vanquished by local drunk man Hank Hoboken.
“Oh no, what is he doing to that poor box of Cheez-Its?” said one astonished onlooker as a plastered Hoboken tore through the cardboard and plastic barriers separating him from the salty crackers. “Those puny Cheez-Its don’t stand a chance — he’s too powerful and too wasted! Who can stop this?”
Stunned witnesses reportedly stood powerless to save the vulnerable snack from Hoboken’s drunken savagery as he devoured handful after handful of Cheez-Its, mangling the box beyond recognition in his wake.
“Damn, no Cheez-It box should have to suffer like that,” another dismayed bystander lamented, staring in disgust as Hoboken sloppily shoveled dozens of Cheeze-Its into his mouth. “My god, all those innocent little Cheez-Its… they’re all doomed!”
After hastily ravaging every last Cheez-It until nothing remained but a trail of crumbs, Hoboken reportedly continued his intoxicated rampage as he snatched the Chips Ahoy from the safety of the pantry.