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The Brown Noser

Main Green Bicyclist Blissfully Unaware Other People Exist

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Cutting his bike through a pack of students on the Main Green, Jeremy McIntosh ‘23 was blissfully unaware of the fact that other people exist.

“On days like today, I just like to hop on my bike, feel that sweet Providence breeze, and go wherever the road takes me,” said McIntosh as he nearly steamrolled an elderly couple. “The world just melts away!”

“Midterms have really been ramping up, so bike rides are kind of my refuge from all the stress,” McIntosh elaborated, a terrified pair of children scrambling out of his way. "It feels just like I’m biking through the countryside. Gosh, you wouldn’t even know that this is a city where real people actually live!”

“They say biking is really good cardio,” McIntosh went on, providing a freshman with his first near-death experience. “But I try to avoid anything uphill. I prefer to go to flat, pedestrian areas where I can just turn on auto-pilot and take it easy.”

At press time, McIntosh zipped onto the Quiet Green and almost flattened a squirrel.

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