Partly Cloudy, 64°
In the wake of the departure of thousands of students from campus, sources report that the University’s Main Green has reverted to a lively jungle ecosystem.
“I guess there was a silver lining to this fiasco all along,” said sophomore Laila Katz, whose decision to remain on campus left her privy to the ecological flourishing of the large patch of grass. “Ever since the students left, the Main Green has erupted in cyprus trees, babbling brooks, and a beautiful array of wildlife — monkeys, colorful birds, even lemurs.”
“All along, we weren’t allowing this natural habitat to breathe,” Katz continued, referring to the colorful flora and fauna that have flocked to the Main Green in the past month, including species thought previously to be extinct. “Pity to think that all this positive change will disappear once we return to campus!”
“Although the lush thickets of trees and moss have rendered traversing the green nearly impossible, and the constant jungle noises make it difficult to sleep, witnessing this transformation has been truly awe-inspiring. This all goes to show that humans really are the virus."
At press time, beautiful swans had taken to basking in the fountain outside Faunce.
