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The Brown Noser

Main Green Spikeball Boys Officially Reenter Winter Cryogenic Stasis Tubes

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

After determining that the autumn weather is now cold enough to damage her perfect specimens, Brown Physiology Professor Dr. Josephine Clements has decided it’s time to send the boys who play Spikeball on the Main Green back to their winter cryogenic stasis tubes.

“Alright boys, one last round!” said Dr. Clements to her precious creations before sending them to her freezing lab one hundred feet below the Main Green. “There’ll be plenty of time for loud, shirtless Spikeball when you emerge in April.”

Dr. Clements created the Spikeball boys accidentally during her experimental research in the ‘90s. Since then, they have become something like children to her, since she cannot have her own. After introducing them to many aspects of human society, this game of ball and net was the only thing the boys took to. Dr. Clements believes this is how they communicate.

“In you go, Kyle,” said a teary-eyed Dr. Clements as she guided one of the Spikeball boys into his sub-zero tube. Though she ages every year, her children remain the same age. “You won’t feel a thing, my son. I’ll check in on you every week and read you stories.”

As she finished entering the Spikeball boys into their winter homes, Dr. Clements could have sworn she heard one say “I love you.” She knows this is impossible but she chooses to believe.

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