Area student Gunther Twong ’25 was reportedly deriving sadistic pleasure as he held a door open for a woman who was 50 feet away. “Yes, come to me. That’s right, do your dainty little run-walk thingy. Struggle, you oaf. Shuffle my way. Ah, yes! Shuffle!” said Twong, experiencing a rush of euphoria at the thought of inviting someone to awkwardly wobble for ten painfully long seconds. “This is right. This is good for me. I have all the power. You have nothing, you miserable worm!” At press time, a nearby man was feeling a staggering sense of social consciousness after telling a stranger that their backpack was unzipped.

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