Revealing they now feel skeptical of every park bench they encounter, sources report that the man recently honored by a local park bench isn’t even dead yet. “Are we sure that this is allowed?” asked concerned citizen Jeff Gossamer, who was almost positive that death was a prerequisite for having a park bench named after you. “I guess if he has a terminal illness it’s okay, but, like, only if he’s guaranteed to die within the next six months.” At press time, troubling news broke that the high school gymnasium would be named after a basketball coach who wasn’t even that much of a father figure to students.

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