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After Mr. Isaac Moffat was safely returned from a verified alien abduction last Tuesday, it became clear to reporters that his hard lack of opinion on the event meant that he definitely got probed and undoubtedly enjoyed it very much.
“Well, I think everyone is eager to hear that I had a really good time up there, but the truth is that I have absolutely no opinion on the experience at all,” said Moffat in a way which he believed to be tactically concealing. “And really, who’s to say what kinds of medical instruments are or are not the most adept at revealing new kinds of physical pleasure? Not me, that’s for sure. Maybe some other guy, but personally, I have to say that my general outlook on life has gone completely unchanged since I met the beautiful, eternal beings of light up there and their sleek, chrome machines of experimentation.”
“A different, weaker person might have asked for something more, even after the aliens said they were just here to run some blood tests,” continued Moffat unaffectedly, walking alongside reporters with a distinct wobble in his gait. “But my encounter with the aliens was neither good nor bad, and if I did ask them to try some different, more exploratory tests on me, they were bland and unexceptional in every way. I feel unbelievably impartial about the entire affair, and I left that spaceship with a deep, insatiable longing only for the further pursuit of objective knowledge.”
At press time, Moffat was witnessed standing in the same field he was abducted in, yearning for another tractor beam.
