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The Brown Noser

Man Playing Call Of Duty Relieved This Sort Of Stuff Doesn’t Happen Anymore

Published Friday, December 6th, 2013

Local gamer Matt Davis yesterday expressed relief that the carnage and suffering depicted in the popular first-person shooter were a thing of past.

“10 of my online comrades were shot this morning,” said Davis. "I sent those men to die as if they were expendable. Such a senseless waste of human life. Good thing it’s just a game, huh?”

Davis was particularly relieved that the very idea of civilian casualties was a fiction crafted by the Call of Duty development team. “A lot of times in Call of Duty, I drop a bomb, and it lands nowhere near where it was supposed to," said Davis. "Like, instead of landing on a factory making guns, it will destroy a hospital. Could you imagine if that happened in real life? You would see people protesting 24/7.”

“What’s scary about this game is that you can just kill and kill and kill with no consequences,” continued Davis as he used his M9 Bazooka to obliterate a local church. "In fact, I actually get 100 experience points. There’s no international outrage, no cries to bring the troops home. You can’t even hear the screams of the innocent. What if society were actually oblivious to things like this? That would be a scary world to live in.”

“I’m glad that we live in a time where the boundaries between fact and fiction are clearly drawn,” said Davis. “I don’t know what kind of sick mind came up with a game like this. That guy must have one twisted imagination.”

As of press time, Davis was closing his computer and thinking about something else, grateful that in real life it would never be that easy.

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