Alan Beahm, who owns a copy of Dell Publishing’s “The Giant Book Of Insults”, saw his uncontested dominance at insults falter on Wednesday afternoon when he encountered George Caulder, a man who carries a copy of Dell’s “The Giant Book Of Comebacks” at all times.
“Hey, everyone has a right to be ugly, but you’re abusing the privilege,” Beahm said to Caulder as the the two passed each other on Waterman Street.
However, instead of rendering his target speechless with embarrassment as is typical for Beahm’s insults, eyewitnesses said the quip seemed to spur Caulder into action. Deftly producing the Book of Comebacks, Caulder replied quickly, saying, “Yes, and everyone has a right to be wrong sometimes, so why don’t we call this strike one?”
Beahm reportedly then produced a series of insults about Caulder’s weight, mother and sexual prowess, but Caulder managed to parry them all, looking up witty retorts that made reference to, respectively, Beahm’s mother, sexual prowess and weight.
Flustered, Beahm attempted to overpower Caulder with a final insult. “Looking at your fingernails, I’m just glad I don’t have to look at your feet,” he said.
But Caulder was ready once more with a witty riposte. “At least I have feet. You, on the other hand, clearly lost yours some time ago in a mining accident,” he said.
Though the actual cause of Beahm’s double amputation was frostbite, Caulder’s words — which he had found in the “Hygiene Comebacks For Amputees” subsection of the “Hygiene Comebacks” section of The Giant Book Of Comebacks — hit home. Unable to respond to the devastating phrase, Beahm turned away in silence and continued walking down the street on his two prosthetic legs.
Asked later to comment on his unprecedented victory over Beahm, Caulder played modest. “Nearly all of these comebacks are completely useless in most situations,” he said. “I’m just glad that my decisions to buy this very heavy book and carry it around with me every day are finally paying off.”