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Area man Yiorgos Twillburn, who painstakingly constructed a functional replica of the Oscar Mayer Weeniemobile, is deeply torn between his love of driving the frankfurter-on-bun vehicle and the certainty that he will face retribution at the hands of the authentic, officially sanctioned Weeniemobile.
“I spent several years modifying a Ford Ranger chassis and teaching myself how to industrially process fiberglass in order to fabricate the signature weenie-shaped Weeniemobile fuselage,” Twillburn explained, glancing at the inert Weeniemobile dimly lit in its garage, a squat hangar partially built into the hillside past Twillburn’s home. “But I can’t share the joy of my creation with the world because I know the real Weeniemobile will exact a terrible punishment on me if — no, when — they find me. They could be tracking me right now. God, I’m shuddering right now imagining the Weeniemobile driving to find and kill me. It’s a really horrible mental image that my mind’s eye has produced a vivid depiction of.”
“My fantastic Weeniemobile would look so awesome driving on all the beautiful forested and hilly back roads in rural Cranston where I live,” Twillburn said excitedly, reverently patting the cockpit of his hand-fabricated Weenie-shaped fuselage. “But the official Weeniemobile will certainly murder me, likely with a gun or knife, if they can find me and confirm my Weeniemobile is homemade and technically highly illegal. Imagine the horror, the pure unbridled violence of a struggle to the death between two Weeniemobiles and their drivers. That’s the type of thing you’d be looking at if the real Weeniemobile people found me. Nobody wants to see a battle of that viciousness and intensity, especially when it’d also be such wanton destruction of beautiful art.”
“I guess every person takes their life into their own hands when they wake up and leave their home in the morning, why should being a disciple of the Weenie make me any different?” Twillburn concluded, climbing into the Weeniemobile and starting its engine before gracefully rolling out of the hangar.
