Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Masked Serial Killer Relieved He Already Taking Necessary Precautions

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

Glancing at another harrowing New York Times notification while digging a shallow grave for his latest victim, masked serial killer Joseph Byrne breathed a sigh of relief that he’s already taking the necessary precautions to protect himself against COVID-19.

“This coronavirus sure is getting scary,” Byrne said, sawing the dead man he recently strangled into manageable bits. “I’m just glad I’m way ahead of the curve on wearing a protective mask and gloves in public. No one has seen me without them since long before this crisis.”

As blood from the fresh corpse splattered across his ski mask, Byrne — whom authorities know only as “The Bedtime Butcher” for his calling card of murdering people in their sleep — reportedly felt even more grateful that he already had a barrier between his face and those potentially infected droplets of bodily fluids.

“Risky contact just like that could easily get me sick if I’m not careful,” Byrne admitted, his mind wandering to the worrisome prospect of needing care in an overwhelmed hospital as he shoveled dirt onto the dismembered pile of human remains. “Thankfully, I’m doing everything right to keep from getting infected. I may not be able to prevent illness altogether, but I can minimize my risk by covering up while I’m out.”

Byrne reportedly also felt lucky that his personal protective equipment allowed him to keep working through the coronavirus pandemic.

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