On Monday, University mathematician Dwight Clappard announced his discovery that ovals can simply be defined as shitty circles. This announcement sent shock waves through the mathematical community and put Clappard, who was previously best known for his spot-on impression of Euclid, into the spotlight.
Clappard, whose ex-wife Allison Bain recently announced her discovery that ovals are actually just squished circles, insisted that his research has been entirely motivated by scientific inquiry and not by personal interests. “Empirically, they’re just shittier,” said Clappard. “Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would continue to study ovals or fund the study of such a shitty shape after this.”
When asked how Bain might react to the news, Clappard maintained that he and Bain still had a healthy working relationship and often helped each other with their research. “I hate to drag up the past, but the world should know that I was the brains behind the paper on squished circles. I squished hundreds of circles and didn’t even get credited.”
This discovery has set the University’s mathematics department abuzz with talk of awards and honors Clappard could receive as a result of his research. “Am I a genius?” asked Clappard. “Well, I don’t think it’s my place to judge, but I am going keep introducing the question into conversation.” The University has already praised Clappard for his achievement, citing his research’s “elegant simplicity” as a prime example of the work that Brown professors are known for.
Clappard will present his findings at an MIT shapes convention in June. He is already working on proving his new hypothesis that rectangles are basically long squares.