Friday, November 16, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Maud Mandel Forced To Slay Buck For Williams Dining Hall

Published Friday, October 26th, 2018

Reflecting on her first few months as President of Williams College, former Dean Maud Mandel told reporters that she was forced to slay a 210-pound buck in order to supply the Williams Dining Hall with enough food for the student body.

“I spied the white-tailed buck at the foot of Mount Greylock and tracked it all the way to the head of the Taconic Trail,” said Mandel, describing her week-long expedition into the Berkshires. “When the buck was about to ford the Hoosic, I stared into its eyes and knew that its life had to be sacrificed so that my students could survive in the rugged wilderness of Western Massachusetts. So I shot it with my crossbow and dragged it back to the dining hall for supper.”

“Without this meat, students would have been forced to gather berries in a nearby field or gnaw on old hardtack from the campus pantry,” Mandel told reporters while vigorously scrubbing the blood out of her blazer. “My only goal is to improve the lives of students. If that means slaying a massive buck so they don’t go hungry, I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.”

At press time, Mandel was beginning to preserve the extra venison for Williamstown’s notoriously harsh winter.

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