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The Brown Noser

Maybelline Vows To End Animal Testing On All Rabbits That Don’t Look Stunning With Blush On

Published Friday, February 16th, 2024

In a statement released by their communications department, cosmetics giant Maybelline vows to end animal testing on all rabbits that don’t look stunning with blush on.

“At Maybelline, we believe there is never an excuse for animal testing except for in a few select cases,” began the statement, referring to the fact that if a rabbit looks absolutely drop-dead gorgeous with blush on it would be a crime not to doll it up. “Our practices are informed by our principles.”

“Save for a couple cases, cosmetic testing on animals is a morally reprehensible practice,” continued the statement, with the understanding that obviously if a rabbit is a total 10 with a dash of blush and a smokey eye, they’d be idiots not to do them up. “There’s almost no reason to allow animal testing to continue.”

“We are proud to be the first major cosmetics company to mostly phase out the cruel practice of testing products on live specimens,” concluded the statement, noting that there’s nothing cruel about sprinkling a little blush on a bunny if it’s a real firecracker. “We encourage other companies to follow our lead.”

At press time Perdue Farms announced their no-tolerance policy for rearing chickens in overcrowded conditions unless they look super cozy.

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