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The Brown Noser

Medieval Studies Dept. Recommends Alchemizing Own Vaccine With Household Eye Of Newt, Thoroughwort Elixir, Myrrh

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh.

“Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19. “Just followwe mine steppes three, and in but a fortnyghte’s tyme COVID-safe shall thee bee.”

“Prithee cracke open thy medicyne chest and behold thy commone householde eye of newt, syphon three hogsheads’ worthe within thy cauldron and beginn to transmute,” said Antwerp, explaining the ease of concocting one’s own vaccine. “Chante thy spell to the heavenns after thyne toil, and simply waite until thyne potion reaches a rollinge boyle!”

“Forsoothe, mayhaps thyne medycyne cheste a bandit attacks! — Perchance homemayde thoroughwort bee somethinge thou lacks! — Aye, any such elixir purchysesd from thy locall potion wench is fyne,” Antwerp assured, offering a reasonable substitute should students run out of thoroughwort elixir. “Mine secrett ingreedyent be myrrh from yonderr hills, for just a smalle pynche dropped in thy mixture fulfills!”

At press time, Antwerp reminded students that, “whilst thou shallst anon ne’er fear said plaguee and its curse, thou mustn’t ev’r forgetts to bloodlette fyrst.”

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