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The Brown Noser

Mediocre Apocalypse Can't Even Make Statue Of Liberty's Head Fall Off

Published Friday, September 14th, 2018

According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report.

“Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn. "But I can still see that green monstrosity across the harbor from the top of my fortress. I thought for sure some cyclone would have brought it crashing into the sea by now. But apparently tourists can still go all the way up to the torch. Disgraceful!”

“On top of that, the resurgence of the plague has only killed a third of all people," Bonebreaker continued, listing the many other ways the armageddon has failed to live up to expectations. "A third! If this apocalypse had any real teeth, 90 percent of us would be dead, and another 5 percent would be food for the rest. Only the strong and the cunning would remain. This is shaping up to be a total letdown of a doomsday scenario all around.”

“No rival tribes have risen up to challenge my iron rule over Brooklyn," he reported. “I’m basically a mayor. The Statue of the Liberty is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“Some post-apocalyptic hellscape we’re living in,” Bonebreaker scoffed after opening his iPhone to see a forecast of 70 degrees and sunny for the week.

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