Local middle schooler Travis Whimley has become mostly backpack. “Whoa, how is that backpack moving? Oh, it’s just Travis. Hiya, Travis!” reported teacher Martha Frefflefing, eyeing the hunched sixth grader lug his backpack that must contain everything he’s ever owned. “It’s completely enveloped him. It’s like his backpack has taken on a life of its own and is just using him to transport it places.” At press time, a nearby sheriff was mostly hat.

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