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According to sources within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormon missionaries are forbidden from playing full court basketball.
“This is because the devil controls fast breaks,” said Tyler Smith, president of a local LDS chapter. “Not to mention the sinful concept of full court press defense or the vices of transition offense.”
“Do not play full court basketball,” read an instruction from the handbook for missionaries, no doubt written for the safety of their intrepid evangelists. However, it stated that “[they] may play half court basketball.”
“It is most holy when the players must take the ball past the three point line after any shot makes contact with the rim,” added Smith, lacing up his Air-Josephs to prepare for some indoor, carpeted basketball. “Choose the right.”
Additional instructions included the following: “Do not play basketball in leagues. Do not play basketball in tournaments,” since such indulgent activities could prove dangerous and lead down a path of sin, agony, and contracts with the Detroit Pistons.
At press time, the BYU Men’s Basketball team was having a difficult season.
