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The Brown Noser

Museum Attendant Can’t Wait For Some Poor Schmuck To Use Flash

Published Friday, April 24th, 2015

Paula Lee, attendant at the Museum of Modern Art, has expressed excitement over the prospect of a museum patron taking a flash photograph of a work of art.

“I know exactly what I’d do,” Lee said gleefully. “I’d step right on over to the gentlemen and say, ‘sir’, real stern-like. Or ‘ma’am,’ if she’s a woman, of course.”

Lee fantasizes that the offending patron would register her rapid approach and mentally note how confident she looked and quickly apologize.

“I’d tell that sap that flash photography is not allowed anywhere within the museum,” Lee continued. “If they asked why, I’d calmly explain to them how important it is to minimize light damage to oil paintings, and that the bright flash is distracting to the other museum goers. But what I’d really mean is: ‘Because I said so!’ It’s my job to protect these paintings and I’m going to do my very best!”

“What? No, it’s never actually happened,” Lee quickly clarified, “but how long can a Picasso sit in a gallery before some idiot who just doesn’t understand anything about art or museums tries to take a well-lit picture for their Snapchat Story? And, in the event of such a scenario, who will step in to ensure justice is done?”

“I will,” finished Lee. “I’m going to keep it safe. I’m going to be a hero.”

At press time, Lee was seen staring dreamily at a Rothko while a number of men in ski masks stuffed frames into a big canvas bag.

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