Partly Cloudy, 64°
Local mushroom hunter Chip Dunkirk was recently in dire straits after being caught in the woods without his trusty hunting rifle.
“How could I have been so careless?! I’ve been mushroom hunting for thirty years, and I’ve never been caught unarmed before,” whispered Dunkirk from behind a nearby tree to avoid being spotted by wild mushrooms. “These bastards are ruthless if you let them get too close. I remember when my old buddy Ronnie got caught by the ‘shrooms without his gun. They ripped the poor son of a bitch to shreds and scattered his remains among the same accursed foliage that I trek today. And now I fear that a similar fortune awaits me.”
“If I’ve got any chance of making it home today, I oughta think fast. No sane man would try to best a mushroom in a knife fight, so I’ll have to be stealthy,” added Dunkirk as an army of entirely immobile mushrooms closed in around his perimeter. “Maybe if I’m lucky, they’ll mistake me for a moose or a really tall pine cone. And if I’m not so lucky…tell my wife I love her.”
At press time, a bargain hunter was helpless without his trusty coupon book.
