According to sources on the southbound Boston-to-DC Acela Amtrak train, Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is pacing up and down the aisle as he twirls his big mustache while putting the pieces together of an elaborate whodunnit. “You see, while we all thought Gabrielle in 21B was in the bathroom during the time in which Imogene in 13C’s egg salad sandwich was stolen, she was walking up to business class to ask her husband Lars in 6A a question about their goddaughter, Lars being the very man who forgot to pack a lunch for the journey,” said Secretary Buttigieg, eliciting gasps from the passengers and pretending to smoke out of a big pipe, because actually smoking is not permitted on Amtrak trains. “This trip she timed perfectly to the train traversing a section of bumpy, rusted railway that we will be fixing if the Democrat’s infrastructure bill passes. This would have given her perfect cover to snatch the sandwich under the guise of tripping and bring it to Lars in 6A. But Gabrielle, you couldn’t have tripped: Amtrak just redid the carpeting on 60% of its fleet last year.” At press time, Buttigieg is now solving a mystery far more devious than the last on a ferry to Staten Island.

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