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According to reports from Brown’s Math and Applied Math Departments, a mysterious janitor keeps coming into the lecture halls after hours, attempting to finish near-impossible proofs left behind on the chalk board, and royally fucking them up. Each day, annoyed students and professors arrive to find their chalkboard littered with the vandal’s close, but ultimately false summations.
“No one in the world has ever solved this proof,” said Abstract Number Theory professor Kenneth Lyons, inspecting a massive grid of hand-written calculations that demonstrate a decent understanding of the problem but contain a few detrimental errors. “And because this dipshit can’t seem to keep his hands off our chalkboard maybe no one ever will. This is the fourth time this month our class progress has been destroyed.”
He added, “It’s an incredibly selfish act, and the math is just not coherent.”
Students in a graduate-level course on Complex Function Theory reported Tuesday that their class chalkboard was wrought with violent scribbles, careless smudges, and reductive logic, suggesting that the mysterious janitor spent hours attempting to solve Gödel’s Third Incompleteness Theorem before getting frustrated and quitting.
“It looks like they got so upset at one point that they tried to clean the chalkboard with their mop,” said Michelle Farmer ’16. “There are bite-marks on the chalk for Christ’s sake. This is getting really annoying.”
“It’s obvious that this janitor spends almost no time cleaning the room,” said graduate student Marcus Liu, sorting through a pile of the janitor’s abandoned coffee cups. “There’s chalk dust everywhere, and the board is utter chaos. Did they really expect to solve this equation that no one in history could solve? That’s insane, and it’s so disrespectful to the department.”
In an effort to catch the mysterious vandal, the University announced a plan to lure the janitor with Fermat’s Last Theorem and then trap him or her in a big net.
