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The Brown Noser

NBA Players' Union Demands Shorter Hoops

Published Tuesday, October 6th, 2015

In an attempt to quickly resolve the issue, National Basketball Association players and owners met all day Monday to discuss the National Basketball Player Association’s demand for shorter hoops.

The Monday meeting was fraught as NBPA President Chris Paul and NBA commissioner Adam Silver argued over the fair height of regulation basketball hoops. Paul insisted that the hoops should be lowered enough that you can just stand on your tippy-toes and put the ball in. Meanwhile, Silver maintained that the reason everyone loves watching basketball so much is because getting the ball in the hoop can be hard sometimes.

The negotiations were almost cut short as Paul nearly walked out after Silver claimed that the hoops weren’t that high and that good basketball players could get the ball in them. Paul responded that, even if you’re really tall, if you can’t jump too well or your arms don’t stretch very far then the hoops are much too tall to get the ball in them.

“We are trying to be as reasonable as possible,” Paul said. “We would be fine with the hoops remaining the same height if the league provided a ladder against the backboard to climb up for easy access, so the guys who aren’t as good don’t feel too bad about themselves.”

“The game is all about throwing the ball and jumping,” Silver countered. “If there were a ladder, players wouldn’t have as much fun doing it the old-fashioned way. I don’t think everyone realizes what a treat running around with some of your best buds trying to get the ball in these tall hoops is. We don’t want to change the rules and ruin that.”

Although no definitive agreement has been reached, toward the end of the meeting Paul and Silver both agreed that the swish sound that the net makes when a ball goes in is really cool and should be preserved in any final deal.

Reportedly, talks have also begun to prohibit defensive players from standing near the basket as all that waving is super distracting.

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