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The Brown Noser

Yankees Sign Pitching Machine To Two-Year Contract

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

The Yankees announced on Friday morning that they have signed a Louisville Slugger UPM 45 Blue Flame Pitching Machine to a contract worth $6 million over the course of two years. The contract, with a player option to extend it for another year, is a coup for the team that has been looking to strengthen its bullpen.

The Slugger, acquired straight from Blackbeard’s Amusement Park, has struck out every six-year-old he has pitched to in the past year and averages a 7.9/9IP against every 14-55 year old who steps into the batting cage. “The guy is a natural,” said General Manager Brian Cashman. “It’s like he was born to pitch. His fastball is killer.”

Scouts for the club have praised the player for his consistency. However, they also expressed concern that the Slugger would be unable to handle the pressures of the big league. “If he runs out of balls in the amusement park, the staff can just refill him,” said Cashman. “At Yankee Stadium, it’s not that easy. Also, what if a ball hits him? He’ll fall right over.”

Hal Steinbrenner, the team owner, admits that he had doubts about signing the relatively unknown prospect until they met in person. “Sitting down face-to-face with him sealed the deal,” Steinbrenner said. “He was focused on the game. In fact, he threw a few pitches in my office. He broke a window, so I had to turn him off.”

In addition to his strength as a pitcher, The Slugger is known for keeping cool under all circumstances. “You can’t rattle him,” Cashman said. “He’s a great presence on and off the field. In the locker room, he’s the type of guy that’ll keep his head and not start shit."

“I just hope it doesn’t rain on game day,” he added.

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