Americans across the nation are celebrating after the White House released a report this Monday indicating a national increase for the month of August. The increase is welcome news considering the unfortunate streak of decrease that has plagued the nation for nearly all of 2012.
“There’s nowhere to go but up,” remarked President Obama at Monday’s press conference. “As long as we make the arrow go up on this chart behind me, we’ll probably be okay.” He added, “Well, at least I think that’s true. What I know for sure is that down is definitely bad. Probably. No, yeah, we should stay away from down.”
Small business owner, Ryan Mayfield, saw the increase as great news for small-business owners like himself. “When there’s a decrease, there’s less, and less is never good for small businesses. Then again, sometimes less is more. But not always. More is always more. More is never less, and so it is always good. I think. Yeah.”
Some Americans, however, are skeptical of the increase. Restaurant-owner Julia Harrington remarked, “An increase is never good in this country. It means more of everything. More taxes, more government spending, more spiders, more mechanical pencils, more chewing, more 3D Katy Perry documentaries, more french words, more fart sound-effects, more zorbing, more trilobite fossils, more pictures of people zorbing. More everything.”
She added, “A lot of people don’t realize that.”
Despite some naysayers, the Obama administration is characterizing the increase as a “leap forward for America, or rather, a leap upward at a forty-five degree angle like on a line graph. North-Easterly. Definitely not down. Or backwards-down. Southern. South-westerly. No time travel is happening. At least as far as we know. Everything is up, more or less. But not less. Definitely more. So much more.”