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Much to everyone’s disbelief, a groundbreaking Brown Daily Herald poll shockingly reveals that 50% of the student body consists of freshmen and sophomores.
“Our fastidious reporters were sent out to all four corners of the Brown University campus to poll over 7000 undergraduates, and we were astonished by our findings,” reported poll coordinator Sebastian Piao, positively sweating at the spike in viewership the BDH will receive after releasing this stat. “Just about half of the student body is composed of those in their first and second years, otherwise colloquially known as freshmen and sophomores.”
“We re-polled the student body multiple times as well as recounted the poll votes as we did not wish to be accused of false reporting,” continued Piao, shoving BDH articles with the statistic on the cover in 72 font bold print into the chests of unassuming passerby. “But the numbers speak for themselves. We believe this is one of our most notable findings to date, especially because this follows a fascinating trend of freshmen and sophomores comprising 50% of the student body every year we have reported on this statistic.”
“Lastly, I’d like to reiterate that the Herald is committed to our history of honest and objective reporting,” concluded Piao, proud to be part of an organization that delivers such topical and ground-breaking news to the student body. “And we are extremely curious to see what next year’s statistics will look like. You can definitely say our socks will be knocked off our feet if the results are anything like this year’s!”
At press time, 100% of Brown students were enrolled in higher education.
