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The Brown Noser

New Republican Spending Bill Proposes to Eliminate the Poor

Published Friday, March 9th, 2018

Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people.

“With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically. “We’re simplifying and shrinking our budget. We’ll save billions on spending that would otherwise go to Medicaid, the Children’s Health Insurance Program, unemployment insurance, food stamps, and other benefits for the poorest people in our country.”

Ryan said these programs are antiquated and expensive. “We thought about cutting them. But then we thought, why not just get rid of the people they serve?” He added that this solution would not leave anyone in need of government handouts.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel cast his support for what he called “the biggest spending and population cut in US history.” The measure would primarily eliminate people who tend to vote democrat, he added contentedly.

“For too long, our government’s excessive spending has thrown us deeper and deeper in debt. Someone has to pay the price,” McConnell said. “And it should be the poor.”

One Republican voter seemed pleased with the bill, which would eliminate him and his entire family. “If it gets those illegals out of here, I’m for it!” he said.

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